On Whoever Started The Whole "Specialty Coffee" Epidemic

Why is it that I can't go into a coffee house and ask for a cup of coffee anymore? It's a simple enough request. "I'd like a cup of coffee, please." The only variables involved are cream and sugar. Now every pretentious little jerk-off is ordering a "half-caff-double-tall-skim-mocha-quasi-vanilla-neo-frappa-crappa with a frigging side of biscotti. DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL FOR MAKING COFFEE COMPLICATED.
Eventually, the whole smugness of the "coffee scene" is going to cause me to become uncontrollably angry, and when that happens, I'm going to start throwing nuclear hot fast food coffee in people's faces and pelting them with stale cheese Danishes until death ensues.

On Anyone Allergic To More Than Three Unrelated Items

We all new someone like this in junior high. The kid with hay-fever who couldn't drink milk and would break out in hives if he got within fifty feet from a cat. What the Hell is wrong with these people? Isn't natural selection supposed to weed out this sort of thing? Everybody is deathly allergic to something. What is going on? There are people who will drop stone dead if they walk into a room where someone has recently been eating a peanut butter sandwich! Send these people back to the gene pool! Since when have peanuts become a deadly toxin?

Shit wasn't this bad when I was a kid. When I was a kid, anybody with multiple allergies would just stop showing up for school, and no explanations would be given. "Jimmy won't be with us anymore." Parents are doing something to their kids that's pussifying their immune systems. Can't have peanuts, can't be near a cat, pollen gives them the sniffles, pus comes out their eyes if they eat fish from more than 10 miles to the south of the equator, they go into anaphylactic shock if you stare at them too hard. Christ! Maybe allergies are Nature's way of saying you aren't cut out for anything other than composting.

Anyone Who Even Cracks A Smile At "Family Circus" Deserves To Die

I don't understand how this comic has stuck around for as long as it has. What is the draw of four developmentally disabled hydrocephallic kids? For nigh on twenty years this lump of shit has sat in the corner of the comics section like some dim specter of non-joy. Every day I try to make sure I don't read it, knowing it is going to destroy any enjoyment I got from the other comics like a black hole for entertainment. And like a black hole, it inexorably (look it up) draws me into its joyless embrace with some mirthless grammatical fuck ups from Dolly (look Mom! I'm wearing my zucchini) or yet another mindless diagram of Billy's aimless wanderings through the neighborhood.
I pray that one day those dotted lines will end up right in front of the tire tracks of a bus; a dotted outline of a pudgy kid marking Billy's final destination. Then we can have an hilarious strip with Jeffy commenting through beady, tear soaked eyes: "There is no fun in funeral."