On "My Son/Daughter Is An Honor Student/Achiever/Good Citizen/Productive Member Of Society/Blah Blah Blah Student At Loser Jr/Sr High" Bumper Stickers

You know, when you really get down to it, nobody really cares at all that you even managed to successfully procreate, let alone how that particular offspring is doing scholastically.
So please, if you're going to live vicariously through your children, at least spice it up and choose your teenage stoner metal head child (My child can clear a six-foot bong at Hooterville High).

Songs That Are No Longer The Same After Hearing Them At A Strip Joint

"Slow Ride" - Foghat

"The Stroke" - Billie Squier

"Strokin'" - Clarence Carter

"Cinnamon Girl" - Neil Young

"Justify My Love" - Madonna

"The Devil Went Down To Georgia" - Charlie Daniels

"Walk This Way" - Run DMC & Aerosmith

"I'm Burning For You" - Blue Oyster Cult

"Wild Horses" - The Rolling Stones

"I Touch Myself" - The Divinyls

Things That Actually Make Me Smile #2

The Bristol Renaissance Faire

I tell you, that was the day. Men were men, women were property, and everything carried disease. Now, I can relive those days without fear of bubonic plague or being tortured and burned as a heretic! Good food, plentiful drinks, and many saucy wenches to manhandle. No, seriously, you would not believe how much skin you get to see at one of these events. Apparently you get half price admission with dramatic cleavage. If you don't believe me, ask anybody who's gone. Plus, the shows are pretty good, and the shops are fun. But mostly there's lots and lots of cleavage.

On Anyone Reading Anything Oprah Tells Them To Read

Look, this is not the person you should be looking to when making literary selections. Let me guess what the latest selection you are reading is: "a dramatic story of one woman's struggle to gain independence and redemption while finding an unlikely romance." Am I close? Damn right I am. Anyone continuing to read this type of tripe is an affront to the literary world and should be bludgeoned to death with a copy of The Great Gatsby.

Computer Viruses

You know, this is something that is really starting to piss me off to no end. It's getting so that you can't even think about opening an e-mail without your computer self-destructing in some spectacular fashion. And for no other reason than some snot nosed little bastard has no life and needs to power trip by screwing around with everyone.
If you're going to make viruses, at least make them interesting. Have a virus that makes my computer play "Dueling Banjos" over and over. Or just causes the thing to burst into flames as demonic laughter echoes from the speakers. Now that's a virus.

Haiku Express Vol. 1

Boozy

Dull ache in my head

Feel like I'm going to puke

Drank way too much beer

Beer Goggles

Who's this beside me?

Wasn't this ugly last night

Damn those beer goggles

Waukegan

Teen-age girl with child

Ruins the lives of both of them

Please get on the pill

A Little Something To Help The Emo

In the interest of all those who might be wracked with angst, guilt, anger or sundry overblown emotions, I have made a simple list of important steps to getting over it.

1) Get over it

2) Nobody gives a damn about your little problems and petty insecurities.

3) Anyone who says they truly want to help you is lying; they just want money.

4) Your problems are beyond insignificant compared to the big picture.

5) Quit your whining.

6) Don’t you dare try to blame someone else for your problems. Ultimately, it's always your own damned fault.

7) Nobody really cares about your happiness.

8) Get off your lazy ass and do something other than feel sorry for yourself.

9) Think for yourself, little sheep.

10) Stop bothering everyone.

11) Keep things in perspective; it can and will be a lot worse.

12) Drown your sorrows.

13) Be self destructive. Pierce something; get a tattoo, some permanent souvenir of your
self-loathing.

14) Go outside and take a couple of deep breaths.

15) Don’t even bother with suicide. The world is going to go right on spinning with or without you.