Dysfunctional Family Circus #3

On Why I Don't Go To the Movies Any More

As many people know, I don't go to the movie theaters. The last motion picture I've seen in the theater was the 2005 remake of King Kong. I only did that because it was a late show on a weekday and there would be no people there. I'll get to the problem of people in a moment. First I will address my first bitch about the movies:

THE COST
Let's say I wanted to see the latest hot sequel (more on the problem of sequels in a moment) with the wife. Two tickets to a regular showing: $20.00. Let's say we want to split a large tub of popcorn and a large soda. Let's err on the side of caution and say $10.00 for that. So we're out $30.00, plus the cost of gas to sit in a room full of assholes and hope they stay quiet.
Or I could wait and get the movie at Walmart $10.00 (on the average, I could just cheap out and buy one from the $5 bin). I can then get a large pizza for $12.00 a 2-liter of soda for $1, and a box of microwave popcorn for $2. So for $29 I can eat and drink myself silly and have the ability to pause the movie if I have to pee. My next bitch:

SEQUELS
Very simply, I'm just tired of sequels. Look, the world does not need five Fast/Furious movies.

My final bitch is really about the people at the movies.

ASSHOLES
There are a variety of assholes to choose from at the movies; today we are going to focus on one particular asshole:

THE TALKER

We all know and hate this person, and may you get syphilis and your spine rot and fall out your ass if you’re one of them. These are the people who for some reason pay ten bucks to go sit in a movie theater to have their conversations. They sit chatting away with their fellow muttonheads as if they were the only ones in the theater. The killer is, most of the time, they’re not even talking about the movie. It’s one thing to lean over and ask about a plot clarification, but I’ve seen people actually holding conversations about what their plans are for later in the week! These people suck terribly. What’s really great is, that if you try to hush these people, they actually have the gall to act offended!

Try the following suggestions on the offending individual/s:

1) Can’t this wait until you get outside? (This is about as inoffensive as I can hope to get with these morons.)

2) Say, "if you could shut up for like five minutes, that would be super."

3) (Without actually turning to address whomever is the offending individual, and at the top of your lungs) SHUT UP.

4) Move to a seat directly behind them and start what my Dad calls “The Plague Cough.”

5) Turn to face the people and just stare at them until they shut up. Don’t say a thing until they do. When they do, say “Thanks” and turn around.

6) Take a cue from “Scary Movie” and stab the fucker right in the chest with a carving knife.

More movie assholes to be discussed at a later date.