Read a Book, You Semi-Literate Loser. #1

Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco
All right, you uncultured swine, this is as good a place as any to start. This book has a little something for everyone. There's comedy, romance, intrigue, deception, murder, and one use of the phrase: "Sweet cock." It's a cracking good read even if you don't speak the French, Italian, and Latin needed to decipher a number of passages.
WARNING FOR CRETINS: First and foremost, this book weighs in at 640 pages hardcover. It also discusses at length Templars and Rosicrucians. (Don't even pretend you know what I'm referring to.) Worry not, simple prole (look it up); all is explained in the course of this novel.

The Creative Process

Writing is an interesting art. To be able to take words and form them in a way that is interesting and compelling to the reader. This is apparently not something that comes easily to many people. The art of writing seems lost. Nowadays simply putting together a coherent sentence is challenging enough. Email and texting have helped to seriously undermine writing as a whole. Everything is pared down and abbreviated so as to get the point across with minimal thought and effort. I'm sure I drive people crazy because when I text or IM, I still write in complete sentences. I know it's slower, but I just can't get myself to compromise when it comes to communication.
That said, finding inspiration to write is my big challenge. I've got three different novels I've started to write and then just stopped. I'm not talking a few pages; I've got one that's around 100. I just suddenly lost my muse. It was like somebody pulled the plug on my creative energy. Then I realized what the problem was. I need to be in a bad mood to write. If I'm in a good mood I have no creative motivation. When I'm pissed I like to just burn off the frustration putting words to paper (or screen as it were).
Anyways, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I'm going to do some real writing.

Lactose Intolerance

This just isn't fair at all. I now have to live in constant fear of dairy products. I remember when it first happened. I had a Milk Chug in the morning, and by the time I got to work, I felt like my abdomen was going to rupture. I tried to sneak a fart and nearly loaded my shorts. The smell that came out was beyond the limits of human endurance. I made it to the toilet and fired off a giant stream of simmering green effluvium (look it up). I spent the day running between work and the bathroom, leaving a cloud of persistent yellow vapor in my wake.
It just makes me feel like an old man to have this problem. And the damned thing is, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. Cheese? Generally no problem. Ice cream? Rarely. Bowl of cereal with milk? FIRE IN THE HOLE!! Sure, it's kind of amusing to be able to cut farts that make your skin burn, but the paralyzing stomach cramps and violent liquid bowel movements take away almost all of the enjoyment.
You know, I'm not quite sure where I was going with this, but it felt good to get it off of my chest.

Thoughts on Disney

Why, why won't people consider, even for a second, that this is a Godless, soulless leviathan run by Satan? Does nobody else see how this company rapes classic stories and turns them into candy coated kiddie fodder? Last time I checked, The Hunchback of Notre Dame ended with Quasimodo flinging himself into a pit of corpses to die next to Esmerelda, not with a rousing upbeat musical number! Even worse, the toys are out on the shelves and McDonald's running happy meals six months before the movie hits the screens! And if the movie is to crappy for a theatrical release? Why we'll just release it straight to video! Don't even get me started about the theme parks! Eighty bucks a ticket?! Screw that. For that price, I'd better get a hand job from Minnie with admission. Michael Eisner and the rest of his cronies can all go to Hell.

On Vegetarians

First, let's get one thing straight. If we were not meant to eat meat, then our eyes would be on the sides of our heads. God, these people make me sick. "Meat is Murder!" they cry. Well, of course it is, dummy. The animals aren't going to commit suicide for us. We are at the top of the food chain for a reason. We'll eat anything. Look, plants are great; I love a nice salad before my steak. Ask yourself this: Do cows do anything useful for nature? You can't say milk, because the vegans say milk exploits the animal. Same goes for cheese. So basically, all cows do is stand around all day and produce methane. And deer do nothing besides get in the way of cars. And well I'm at it, minks are useless to, so why not make coats out of them?
You don't want to eat meat? Fine, go out into the woods and crunch up all the berries and leaves you want, you commie hippie. All this does is move you down a couple of notches on the food chain. Then we can all laugh as we hunt you down, shoot you through the head, and feast upon your roasted corpse.

Shooting Sprees

All of these shootings in the news have really started to bother me. People are shooting up their schools and places of work. It's just not fair at all. These people can take out all of their anger and frustrations in a hail of gunfire, and I can't do it because I'm not crazy. I feel the same anger and frustration. I have the same hatred of most of humanity, but since I'm burdened with morality and sanity, I can't do anything about it other than lash out passive-aggressively. I envy these people, who are so screwed up that they can act out on their frustration and punish everyone they feel has wronged them. Me? I get this crappy web site. Thank God for booze.