Read a Book, You Semi-Literate Loser. #1

Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco
All right, you uncultured swine, this is as good a place as any to start. This book has a little something for everyone. There's comedy, romance, intrigue, deception, murder, and one use of the phrase: "Sweet cock." It's a cracking good read even if you don't speak the French, Italian, and Latin needed to decipher a number of passages.
WARNING FOR CRETINS: First and foremost, this book weighs in at 640 pages hardcover. It also discusses at length Templars and Rosicrucians. (Don't even pretend you know what I'm referring to.) Worry not, simple prole (look it up); all is explained in the course of this novel.