This just isn't fair at all. I now have to live in constant fear of dairy products. I remember when it first happened. I had a Milk Chug in the morning, and by the time I got to work, I felt like my abdomen was going to rupture. I tried to sneak a fart and nearly loaded my shorts. The smell that came out was beyond the limits of human endurance. I made it to the toilet and fired off a giant stream of simmering green effluvium (look it up). I spent the day running between work and the bathroom, leaving a cloud of persistent yellow vapor in my wake.
It just makes me feel like an old man to have this problem. And the damned thing is, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. Cheese? Generally no problem. Ice cream? Rarely. Bowl of cereal with milk? FIRE IN THE HOLE!! Sure, it's kind of amusing to be able to cut farts that make your skin burn, but the paralyzing stomach cramps and violent liquid bowel movements take away almost all of the enjoyment.
You know, I'm not quite sure where I was going with this, but it felt good to get it off of my chest.
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