This Whole Isreali/Palestinian Thing

Am I the only one who is tired of hearing about the latest atrocities committed between these two groups? How long have they been fighting now, like 14,000 years? Over what? Some land? Yes, I understand both sides of the matter, and see what is at stake for each, but how is mutilating people going to prove the point? HEY, GUESS WHAT MUTTON HEADS! IT WON'T!!
I have a solution: If we bomb both of these groups and all their lands flat, there won't be anything to fight over! They're headed that way anyway, so why not speed up the overall scarring of the landscape and needless loss of life.
Always willing to help, I am.

Listen To This, You Tin-Eared Freak #2

Shapeshifter by Marcy Playground

This is Marcy Playground's second CD, get the first one immediately. My staff at work has described this as "stoner music." They are more or less correct. Though there are some upbeat tracks like "Secret Squirrel" for the most part this album is nice and mellow. Just perfect for sitting with a glass of Bourbon and a fine cigar and just letting the world go straight to Hell around you.
Tracks to memorize: 2,4,6,7,10

Things That Actually Make Me Happy #1: The Zamboni Ice Resurfacer

For some strange reason, it just makes me smile to see one of these things chugging around the rink. As much as I love hockey (and I love hockey), I just can't wait to see this thing during the intermission. Maybe I see the Zamboni Ice Resurfacer as a metaphor for life: Restoring order and smoothing out the deep grooves and cuts of life....Nah, that's bullshit, I just watch because I hope that someday I'll actually be able to see someone get sucked under one of these things.

On The Internet

You've just got to love the masturbation superhighway. This is truly further proof of the indomitable nature of the human spirit. This fantastic technology gives us the potential to put the world's knowledge a few keystrokes away. However it's filled with mostly porn. Why is it that I can do a search for "Leopold and Loeb" (look it up) and come up with 83,700 potentially useful sights, but if I do a search for "buttplug" I get 6,770,000 hits? No, those aren't exaggerations; I just Googled each of those search terms. Just try typing random web addresses sometime and see what you get. Did you know that www.midgets.com is a porn site? The last I checked www.mustard.com and www.meat.com were as porn sites as well. It frightens me to think that at any given moment in time, there must be millions of lonely people desperately beating off at the keyboard. And because of all these people masturbating themselves stupid, I can't do a simple search for anything without ending up with 1,500 extraneous porn sites that for some reason fell under my search heading. At least these people are off the street.

On Reporters Who Speak With No Discernable Accent Until They Say Their Own Name

Maybe I'm the only one who goes berserk when they see it happen, but I just can't stand it. I sit watching the evening news as the reporter does her piece, then goes to sign off: "For channel 7 news this is Judy Gharrrrrr-seeeeh-aaaah" What the Hell is that? Garcia is pronounced "Gar-see-uh" Ethnic pride is all fine and dandy, but save that crap for your Ethnic Day Parade. You're on the news, reporting to Midwesterners. Speak like one. And you know what? Nobody gives a rat's ass where you're from or how you pronounce your name. Just tell me how drunk the driver was that hit that Church bus and how many people the crazed student shot. All I want from the news is sports, weather, and body counts. Keep your pride to yourself. If you can't say your own name in the same manner you say everything else, then just do me a favor and take the toaster with you the next time you take a bath.

Read A Book, You Semi-Literate Loser #2: Here Be Dragons

Here Be Dragons by Sharon Kay Penman

Wow, this book kicks some serious ass. This is the first in a trilogy that follows the history of England and Wales in the 13th century. This book has it all: back stabbing, romance, bloody violence, love affairs with 13 year old girls, people dropping dead left and right from everything from dropsy to the runs. I really thought this book was going to blow, but it turned out to be pretty damned good.
WARNING FOR CRETINS: This series is historical fiction so almost all of the characters and major events actually occurred. Not that it's going to matter to you. It's not like any of you had your head out of your collective asses long enough to catch enough of your world history class to spoil the ending.

Horrifically Dated Movie Review #1: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

I know it may seem like I'm really late in coming forward this, but it's still pissing me off. Jesus, did that movie suck. I mean, Jar-Jar Binks? I hated this movie so much the first time I saw it I thought I had done something wrong. Maybe I was in a bad mood or something. So I saw it a second time. STILL SUCKED.
Come on! The only way you're getting me to see Episode 2 is if I can be promised in no uncertain terms that Jar Jar will be pelted in the head with blaster fire until nothing remains but a smoking neck stump.

Darth Maul was beyond disappointing. Here's this super tough evil guy who gets beat with the Force equivalent of "Hey, your shoe's untied!" AAARGH!!!
How many ways could Lucas ruin Star Wars for me? Let's see. The Force? Aliens in your blood. Wait, what? The Force was a mysterious power because IT WAS A FUCKING MYSTERY. I'm to believe that little organisms live in a Jedi's blood stream and have absolutely nothing better to do than help people lift X-Wings and choke the shit out of each other?
And hey, if you can speak telepathically with the force, then why the hell did they have to use walkie-talkies? I mean, come on, Luke can scream across half a galaxy and get Leia's attention but Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon need to break out their radios to talk 30 yards.
And for the record: It's really hard to imagine someone who says "yippee" as Darth Vader. Wow, that movie just blew.
Don't even get me started on the crap acting. The actors in this movie were like going to school at Julliard: no chemistry. They could have replaced Natalie Portman with a cardboard box labelled "plot device" and just dragged it from scene to scene and gotten the same results.
Lucas should just be ashamed of himself.

On People Who Make Outlandish Requests of Waitstaff

So a while back I was eating at Chili's for lunch. There's this self-important bitch sitting at a table next to me, having a "power lunch" with three of her equally self important cronies. She orders a "plain chicken breast with some tomato on the side." Well, if I were waiting the table the response would have been "that's nice, too bad you need to pick something off the menu, dummy." However, the waitress was willing to meet this request. She comes out and gives the plate to this woman, who immediately starts complaining that she wanted freshly sliced tomatoes, and was given diced, and that she wanted a plain chicken breast and this one was seasoned. Well sure enough, the manager had to be summoned, and he tried to explain to her that all the chicken gets marinated at the start of the day and there's not much that can be done. However, he won't charge her because she didn't get exactly what she wanted. Fuck her! It obviously wasn't so bad that she didn't finish everything on her plate, the miserable bitch. God, I hope this woman gets cancer right in the middle of her brain.
Look, if you don't like what's on the menu, don't go to the restaurant! And if you just have to make stupid requests, don't be surprised or pissed when your order gets screwed up. Better yet, just stay at home and eat a bullet or some drain cleaner.

People Who Get On Elevators Before Everyone Else Has Gotten Off

I'm only going to explain this once, and I shouldn't even have to do that. Off, then on. I just want to go postal when this happens. The elevator doors open, you go to get exit, and some beat-off shoulders his way on before you can get out the door. What the Hell is so important that these morons just absolutely have to get on the elevator as soon as the door is open? You know what? If you're in that big a hurry to get on the elevator, there had better be a guy in a hockey mask and a chain saw bearing down on you at the time; otherwise you're in for a wicked elbow to the head when I go past you to leave.














To prevent this from happening again, I will make it a point to punch in the throat, anyone attempting an early entry. I will then leave your unconscious body lying in the doorway, so the door will close on your head. Then the elevator will move to the next floor, neatly decapitating you, so you can never bother me again. So there.

Athletic Scholarships

First off, isn't that an oxymoron? So let me get this straight: Student #1 has a 2.75 GPA. Student #2 has a 1.9 GPA but can catch a ball and run fast. So we're going to pay for student #2's education. What kind of bullshit is that? I thought the purpose of college was to expand your knowledge and career skills, and not simply to sell tickets to ball games.
God, this just pisses me off to no end every time I see it happen. I went to college on my own money and student loans, struggling to make ends meet, when all of these sub-moron convicts in training get free rides because they can run the 40 yard dash in under 5 seconds. I say again: Bullshit. It's even better when these bastards choose not to finish college to become eligible for the professional drafts. Screw them! You want to do that? Fine, then every dollar the school has fronted to you is now payable in full before you can leave. And, you have to make a public apology to all the students who couldn't get a scholarship because you were being a schmuck and tying up the money.
That's it. No more money goes to collegiate sports until I start seeing chess team scholarships. Or grants for debaters. Something, anything to stop the proliferation of stupid people in this country. Because, for the most part, that's what athletic scholarships do: Reward the stupid because they can rush for 100 yards a game or shoot solidly from the outside. What a load of crap.

Anyone Who Even Cracks A Smile At "Family Circus" Deserves To Die

I don't understand how this comic has stuck around for as long as it has. What is the draw of four developmentally disabled hydrocephallic kids? For nigh on twenty years this lump of shit has sat in the corner of the comics section like some dim specter of non-joy. Every day I try to make sure I don't read it, knowing it is going to destroy any enjoyment I got from the other comics like a black hole for entertainment. And like a black hole, it inexorably (look it up) draws me into its joyless embrace with some mirthless grammatical fuck ups from Dolly (look Mom! I'm wearing my zucchini) or yet another mindless diagram of Billy's aimless wanderings through the neighborhood.
I pray that one day those dotted lines will end up right in front of the tire tracks of a bus; a dotted outline of a pudgy kid marking Billy's final destination. Then we can have an hilarious strip with Jeffy commenting through beady, tear soaked eyes: "There is no fun in funeral."

Listen To This, You Tin-Eared Freak. #1

Beatnik Turtle: What We've Got

This CD came to my attention a few years ago when I bumped into a couple of guys I went to high school with. They informed my they were in a band and had just released a CD. I had some money to burn so I bought a copy. I was most pleased. I can't really put a label to their sound. They're kind of like a mix of Smoking Popes and They Might Be Giants, but with a solid brass section. Just go to their web site (click on the album cover) and buy a copy. You'll thank me later.
Tracks to Memorize: 2, 4, 5, 6, 12